After six years of motherhood, I have come to two important conclusions.
#1: Motherhood is more incredible than I ever could have imagined. And…
#2: No one…and I mean NO one, was real with me about how freaking hard all of this would be. All of it. The labor part, the potty training part, the transitioning into a big girl bed part, the added challenges to marriage part, the sending her off to Kindergarten part, the having no time for myself part, the hearing the word “mommy” 342 times a day part, the being constantly needed part, the being judged part, the wanting to hide in my closet and cry part…..none of it. And there were many times that I wondered, “Why did no one bother mentioning how difficult this journey could be? Is it just me that’s struggling?” I think there is something that happens when moms get older and become grandmothers. It’s like they forget. My mom sometimes mentions something along the lines of, “Oh, you kids
never acted like that when you were little.”(Seriously mom?) I’ve also heard, “When I was raising kids we didn’t have these kinds of sleep issues.” (You mean, when you didn’t have to teach a baby how to soothe herself to sleep laying flat on her back with no pillow or blanket?!) Maybe all the forgetting is part of biology’s genius plan. God knew that if we fully remembered labor, we wouldn’t do it a second time. Perhaps He also knew that if the women who came before us fully remembered all the difficult aspects of motherhood and openly shared all the gory details, we might be afraid to become mothers ourselves. Maybe the truth is, moms really
do only remember the good when they look back, and some with nostalgic longing.
And so it continues, blissfully ignorant generation after generation.
Instead of enlightening each young woman embarking on the motherhood journey with truly meaningful information that will serve her when the s*&% hits the fan, we do a massive reality cover-up. We focus on giving a mommy-to-be Pinterest-worthy pink or blue showers, impossibly cute little outfits to “ooo” and “ahh” over and say things like, “Motherhood will be the best thing that ever happened to you.” And while this may be true, we do a huge disservice when we fail to mention the inevitable ugly parts, too. Sometimes when you know a storm is coming, you can better equip yourself to face it. It’s not surprising to know that as many as
1 in 7 women will suffer from a postpartum mood disorder after giving birth. All the pre-birth fanfare and the facade many of us moms put up can make a new mom wonder what’s wrong with her or her baby when the experience isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Years into motherhood later, that “realness” is still somewhat hard to come by. Moms everywhere silently struggle in private and, afraid of being judged or exposed, pretend to have it all together even when they feel like they are falling apart.
Social media doesn’t help.
In fact, nearly 50% of moms say that social media makes them feel inadequate. Take a glance at your newsfeed and it isn’t hard to see why. You’ll quickly get a loud impression that moms everywhere are living picture-perfect lives. We all do it. Myself included. And it’s not necessarily intentional (although sometimes it is.) It just seems to make more sense to put our best foot forward which, in theory, can be harmless. But the pervasiveness of it all is seriously impacting our well-being. When we only show the best moments in life without also posting a fair share of the other, less pretty stuff, we actually help perpetuate the problem.
When it comes to inauthenticity on social media we are all perpetrators and victims.
We tend to strive for the perfection we see in social media images and feel inadequate when we fall short. In our shame, we attempt to cover up the reality of our messiness by posting our own flawless pictures and status updates that help to project the perfect life we are striving to maintain. Then
those posts and images will play a role in the next mom’s sense of inadequacy. And the cycle continues.
Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, has studied and shared her conclusions about how vulnerability is a powerful and beautiful thing. If you haven’t already, you should check out her book “
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead.” I believe that when we are authentic and don’t go out of our way to hide our imperfections, it is truly a gift and a blessing to other moms. But it is also a gift to ourselves. It opens us up to deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling bonds with other women. Some of the best friendships I have formed are those in which I can be myself without judgment. The most fulfilling relationships I have are with women who are honest and open about the struggles they face. It helps to remind me that I’m not alone rather than feeling like I need to live up to an unrealistic standard.
There is almost always a greater truth behind each image we post.
I remember posting a picture of my family after one of the kids’ birthday parties. All of us were laughing and the picture told a story of a perfect day of family togetherness and joy. The birthday party itself was totally Pinterest-worthy (if I do say so myself!) and through our smiles, there was absolutely no indication of any trouble in paradise. I got great feedback like, “I don’t know how you do it all!”
But the reality was, things weren’t so wonderful that day. That morning, my husband and I had a fight and were still giving each other the cold shoulder. I spent most of the day yelling at my kids. I almost had a nervous breakdown over trying to pull everything together in time and in truth, I had two
nannies there helping make it all possible. So I didn’t do it all myself. I remember a few weeks later I saw the post and picture and recalled all the events surrounding it and realized how misleading the whole thing was. I suddenly felt
disingenuous. And have been wanting to chart a new course ever since.
But I need your help.
Instead of using our social media accounts as just a highlight reel of moments that seek to reinforce our “perfect” lives, let’s emphasize, celebrate and highlight
real life. Because when I look at my #1 and #2 conclusions that almost seem to contradict each other (that motherhood is the best
and most difficult thing that’s ever happened to me all at the same time) I realize that they really exist beautifully together. It’s the messiness that makes life so rich. And when we measure our success as a mother or the success of our marriage or the success of our lives in general by the distorted perception presented by others we are always going to fall short. As it turns out, I’m not alone. I’m actually doing a really good job even despite all my imperfections. It turns out that I, with all of my struggles and hurts and mistakes, am actually
totally normal.
So I am inviting all of you moms out there to share some unfiltered moments of real life. The messy life. The sad life. The complicated life. The flawed life.
I will get this started.
I realize how hypocritical it would be to call all of you to share your real moments without sharing my own. As I prepared to finalize this blog I searched my photos for the perfectly imperfect photo (how ironic!) But everything seemed to fall flat. I knew I needed to dig deeper. And then I remembered a video in my old archives that only a few select people have ever seen. Over seven years ago, when I was pregnant with my first daughter, my husband and I were in the middle of World War III as a result of some house renovations. One day, the fight reached a peak and I had a complete meltdown. I was flipping out on him for quite some time until he finally said, “You are being
crazy right now! I should video record you so you can see how you’re acting!” (If you really want to piss a pregnant woman off, say those EXACT things.)
Anyway, I decided that I was going to beat him to it. I thought the video would serve as proof of how right I was and I could use it to garner some sympathy from family and friends. It was never meant to be funny. It was actually quite a serious day and this unscripted video is as REAL as it gets. Don’t miss the mascara smeared under my eyes from crying all morning or me stepping over my husband who is dutifully working on the baseboards. If I can expose my filthy house, financial stressors, marriage frustrations and emotional instability,
surely you can share a picture or two! If nothing else, to make me feel better because let’s face it, being vulnerable is freaking terrifying. But even though it’s scary, vulnerability is important work. As Brene Brown has said, “Courage is contagious. Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver.”
Watch “Rozy’s Real Moment” So join me.
And don’t forget the #highlightREAL hashtag when you share! I’m With You,
https://youtu.be/e6_BXx4zY3E
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